1.
If you owe someone money, always pay them back in
a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3.
Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer
a toast.
4.
Change your toast at least once a month.
5.
Buying someone a drink is five times better than a
handshake.
6.
Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying
all her drinks is dumb.
7.
Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same
person in one night.
8.
When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful
urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out,
super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist.
Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part
cocktails.
9.
Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and
a smile.
10.
Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you
do not want a drink.
11.
Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great,
now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s
coming back up.
12.
Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too
strong.
13.
If he makes it too weak, order a double next time.
He'll get the message.
14.
If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses,
she does not like you.
15.
If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts,
she still might not like you.
16.
If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade
your liquor preference.
18.
Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19.
If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down
into the bottle with a pen.
20.
Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever
be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21.
Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22.
Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're
doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line
or washing your hands.
23.
Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks
in the bathroom. Men do not.
24.
After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in
the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25.
It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you
are doing a shot with four or more people.
26.
If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once
per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour,
do not approach him again. If he does play it, do
not approach him again.
27.
Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll
be surprised how well it works.
28.
If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink
in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29.
If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may
pay them back in beer.
30.
Never complain about the quality or brand of a free
drink.
31.
If you have been roommates with someone more than
six months, you may drink all their beer, even if
it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32.
You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the
cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less
than $25.
33.
The only thing that tastes better than free liquor
is stolen liquor.
34.
If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink
at least two cans before you start drinking the imported
beer in the fridge.
35.
Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good
times every jackass would be doing it.
36.
If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s
guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve
never tried.
37.
Try one new drink each week.
38.
If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged
to make small talk with the bartender until he stops
acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same
goes for him.
39.
Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your
change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep
the change, but once she has handed it to you, you
cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress,
small change has no value.
40.
If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it
all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41.
Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better
looking.
42.
You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how
close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43.
A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a
beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for
a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone
else.
44.
Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being
able to say it.
45.
It's okay to drink alone.
46.
After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name
two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night
you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47.
Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an
oversized brandy snifter.
48.
Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a
Mind or Face Eraser.
49.
If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to
finish it, don't accept it.
50.
Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive
bar.
51.
Never play more than three songs by the same artist
in a row.
52.
Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53.
Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't
know.
54.
Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate
and lean.
55.
If you think you might be slurring a little, then
you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring
a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56.
Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has
never worked.
57.
For every drink, there is a five percent better chance
you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent
better chance you will lose the fight.
58.
Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober
is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting
you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play
wingman when he makes his move.
60.
If you are broke and a friend is “making sport
of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61.
Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is
the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on
a chopping block.
62.
If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks
if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once
you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks
than him.
63.
If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff,
make sure you tip well before and after, regardless
of her response.
64.
The people with the most money are rarely the best
tippers.
65.
Before you die,
single-handedly make one decent martini.
66.
Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the
handles are right in front of you is the equivalent
of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67.
Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?”
They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast
every morning.
68.
If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink
and step the hell away from the bar.
69.
If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is
yours.
70.
The patrons at your local bar are your extended family,
your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters.
Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if
you're really drunk, the mothers.
71.
It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear
during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious
and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72.
Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember,
you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin
to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string
theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're
wrong and either way you're going to come off as a
jackass.
73.
If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or
leave it.
74.
If you hesitate more than three seconds after the
bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75.
Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly,
wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76.
The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round
of drinks for a packed bar.
77.
Never preface a conversation with a bartender with
“I know this is going to be a hassle, but .
. .”
78.
When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is
just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s
buying.
79.
If you are 86’d, do not return for at least
three months. To come back sooner makes it appear
no other bar wants you.
80.
Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has
the right of way.
81.
If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka.
It’s the no-tell liquor.
82.
There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon.
Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83.
The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to
last call.
84.
A flask engraved with a personal message is one of
the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s
something in it.
85.
On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between
a handshake and a kiss.
86.
You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth
drink.
3.
Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer
a toast.
15.
If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts,
she still might not like you.
30.
Never complain about the quality or brand of a free
drink.
40.
If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it
all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
45.
It's okay to drink alone.
57.
For every drink, there is a five percent better chance
you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent
better chance you will lose the fight.
65.
Before you die,
single-handedly make one decent martini.
74.
If you hesitate more than three seconds after the
bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
83.
The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to
last call.
